SEE Me

This is what my body was screaming at me for the last 6 months. It wasn’t until I was on the verge of a medical crisis that I finally had no choice but to face the changes that were happening inside of me.

2 weeks ago I found out that I was diagnosed with Diabetes. and Today it was confirmed that I have Latent Autoimmune Diabetes in Adults (LADA) which is a form of type 1.

My symptoms came on over time. So stealth that they were easy to overlook until they weren’t. Extreme evening leg cramps, thirst, peeing at least 4 times a night, fatigue, shortness of breath and a faint pounding in my heart when I exercised. Lastly came blurred vision.

When I went to the doctor it was a Friday. I had a blood glucose reading of 395 and an A1C of 12.6. This is full blown diabetes. My doctor didn’t get my results until the following Tuesday because of a holiday. I turned toward the fear of this new information and decided to take my health into my own hands. I began administering myself insulin into my abdomen with the guidance of wonderful friends and slowly I could feel my body regulate. Once Tuesday rolled around I was alerted by my doctor that I was now insulin dependent and started a daily regimen that includes 4 shots a day.

A self healing journey asks us to take responsibility for what we feel by paying attention to not just what feels good but also giving compassion and loving attention to what feels bad.

It is nothing short of divine timing that I had begun my self healing journey and developed the skills to know how to SEE ME, all of me, long enough to save my own life.

Shocked is an understatement to what I felt when I first found out. I cried, a lot, I was scared. I was mad. I was ashamed. I was alive. Not the kind of alive that I was breathing but the alive that I was feeling and what I was feeling mattered. Maybe even for the first time in a long time I accepted that my feelings mattered and I could no longer ignore my needs.

This really hit me after I had been wearing this round beauty on my arm called an iCGM or integrated continuous glucose monitor which tells me my blood glucose levels or BGL. I wanted to go to yoga and class and could see my numbers rising. I knew once I started to sweat it would go off and people would notice. They would SEE ME, my flaws, my shame and judge me. I would be an interruption to their lives during yoga. I seriously thought that a viable option was to leave, this new extension of myself, my CGM in the car.

Then I was hit on the head by my intuitive self saying, do you see now how you have been abandoning yourself, you would rather put your life at risk than to SEE yourself. I realized then that It wasn’t that others would judge me, it’s that I was already judging, criticizing and shaming me and I didn’t want to take the responsibility for how I was treating myself.

This pattern of endless people pleasing by criticizing myself was birthed out of survival. One time it had a life saving purpose of its own but now I am a grown up with choice. The choice to show up lovingly and compassionately for all parts of me

I truly know this diagnosis will come with all the ups and downs but I also know it just may be the thing that will save my life, my feeling life, my lived experience life, my spirited life. My body is my home and it is time to come back into it.

I can see more clearly than ever that my mission in creating Kaya Wellness is to provide spaces for those who are curious and ready to start SEEing themselves. If this resonates with you maybe consider joining me in Akumal, Mexico for a jumpstart to your own self healing journey.

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